Just on a personal note...

So I wrote this note on my phone during one of my melt downs last week during class. I am not going to change the wording of it because I don't want to mess with the raw emotions that were being experienced when written. Some of it was a little too personal so I left it out, but I left what I wanted shared:

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I'm sitting in class and I don't even know why.  I'm physically here, but mentally, I am far far away.  I feel like I'm relapsing... and I'm not doing a good job at fighting it. I just don't know what to think anymore.  I really just want to go to bed and never get out of it.

And on top of all this, or maybe the reason for all this, I'm not sure... is I miss him. And I hate it! Why can't I just hate him.  Why can't I just move on like everyone says I should.  Why can't I just move on like he apparently has (and with no problem at that). It's not fair...

I keep asking "but God?" or "God why?" but does it really matter?  Like the song "The Hurt and the Healer" by MercyMe says, "Healing doesn't come from being explained".

We can cry and beg God for an explanation all day, but would we understand it? Even if God answered every little question we had, we would still want to know more.  We would ask and ask all day long for more because there is no way for our small finite minds to comprehend God and His mysterious ways.  We may think we have Him figured out, but we really have no clue.

I ask God everyday why things didn't work out between us.  Why did I screw up? Why did you let me fall in love with someone if I was only going to end up broken, hurt and confused in the end? Why did I feel like you wanted me with him forever? Why did you allow me to get hurt like this? Why did you allow that last response when it came in when it did? Why did you let me feel that feeling of reassurance when it obviously was not true?

I do not know all these answers, and I may never know the whole story.  But one thing I do know is God has all the answers.  All I can do is cry to God for comfort, not answers.  I have to trust that He knows what He is doing.  I have to live for Him, and never let the pain from my loss overbear the love He has given me through all this, because often time I do.

Don't Forget Your Value

As I was going on my daily walk, I found a penny on the road, so I picked it up. The side facing up was fine, but after I picked it up and examined it, I noticed the back was in terrible condition. If I hadn’t seen the front, I never would have known it was a penny.

Then God starting using that penny to teach me some very important lessons to apply to my life.  I will now try to explain them to the best of my ability.

So my first reaction when I examined the penny was “well I guess I won’t be using this penny, it’s so damaged that it’s useless.” Often times in life we consider ourselves as damaged and useless unto God.  We let it hold us back from doing things God wants us to do.  But we don’t have to live like that.  If we let God work in us, he can take the damaged parts and fix them.  So to prove this point, when I got home I went online to see the best way to clean a penny. I did so and watched as the Vinegar penetrated through the gunk on the penny and watched as Lincoln’s head became clearer and clearer. Then I realized that the vinegar represents God. He is our “vinegar.”  We can chose to keep on living with our damaged parts, our broken hearts and souls and spirits, or we can hand them over to God, and let him wash the pains away.  Allow Him to totally wipe you clean and restore you to your natural self. But in order to be made new again, you have to make the decision to go to Him, and allow Him to work in your life and to make you as good as new.

The second point is that just because something or someONE seems fine on the outside, does not mean there is nothing the matter with them. I did not realize the state that the penny was in until I picked it up and examined it to find the back of the penny marred. Just because someone seems put together on the outside, you never really know what is going on on the inside unless you dive deeper.  So say a prayer for your friends and family.  You may not know what is going on, but God does, and they may need the prayer after all.  Just because they may seem they have it all together, does not mean it is so.

But the main point I got from this whole “Penny Experience” is that no matter what happens to it, a penny is still a penny. It still has the value of a penny. And the same goes for you.  Just as the penny does not lose it’s value when it is scratched, neither do you lose any of your worth when you take a beating.  Satan will send a lot of things your way to tear you down, and make you beat yourself up, but at the end of the day, you are still God’s creation.  You are still a child of God and He still loves you the same today as He did yesterday, and still will tomorrow.  He still sees you as His beautiful and precious creation. No matter what happens in your life, you will NEVER lose that value to God. There is nothing you can do that will diminish the value God has for you. No matter what mistakes you may make, He will always be there to pick you up, and dust you off, and make you good as new.

God bless,

Tiff

Falling in Love

So I have always been afraid of falling in love. Mainly because I’m afraid of getting hurt. The first time I ever came close to falling in love with someone, they broke my heart. 

This is why I was very cautious with my last relationship, I was afraid that if I allowed myself to fall in love, I would end up heart broken. Well I took a chance, and well, ended up flat on my face, heart shattered more than I ever thought imaginable.

So I’m as I’m reading the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan, he tells us we need to fall in love with God. Then the memories of all the other times came flooding back and I was like “No way. I can’t. I cannot allow myself to fall in love with God and lose Him too. He is all I got, if I lose Him, I lose everything.”

Then I realized how silly I was to think that. How many times does God tell us that He loves us and will always be there for us? Take Deuteronomy 31:8 for example, ”The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” -Deuteronomy 31:8 

I should not fear that in loving God He will leave me there hanging. In fact, He wants to love me so much, that He wants to erase those bad memories and hurts I have associated with love, so that when He deems ready, I will be prepared to love again when He does send the right guy along. He wants that for both our sakes. I need to fall head over heels in love with God, and love Him without anything holding me back or interfering.  Only by falling in love with Him can I ever understand what true love really is.

(8.14.12)

Running

So I had a lot of things on my mind this evening, so to just get my thoughts together, and to take out my frustrations, I went for a walk. Normally my walks consist of… well… walking. But tonight I ran. And kept running. Normally, if I decide to jog, I’d be lucky if I got past two houses before taking a break. But tonight, I ran for almost 8 minutes straight, with no breaks.

But then I looked back, and saw just how far I had been running, and I realized, wow, there is no way I did that, and suddenly I was overwhelmed with fatigue. My body, which had been full of energy, just totally drained. Why? Because I looked back.

Why am I telling you this? Because as I continued to walk, I realized, that life works the same way. 

God has a great plan for us, each and every one of us (Jer 29:11). But sometimes we don’t seek out that plan, or we run from it. In doing so we are really doing ourselves a disservice.

Think back to one of the most popular Bible stories that I know you know if you attended any kind of Sunday School growing up.  Think back to the story of Jonah. Most people remember him as the guy who got swallowed by the whale/fish. But as I was reading it to the kids in the Nursery last week, I saw the story from a whole new perspective, having matured several years from the last time I heard the story.

He ran from God’s calling for Him. When we run from our God’s calling in our lives, we are not the only ones who are affected (the other passengers on the boat Jonah was on was also affected by the bad storm God sent them, all because of Jonah running from God). 

So instead of running away from our problems/fears/troubles, we should run TO our Savior.  Tonight, as I was running, I just kept running. And kept running. Focusing on the goal to clear my mind.  It wasn’t until I looked back that I realized how far I’ve come and decided I did enough.

When we run to God, we cannot look back. The past is the past. We cannot hang on to it forever, because God has something bigger, greater, and better for us.  When running toward God, don’t look back, keep your focus on what’s ahead, and I can guarantee you, God will give you the strength to keep pushing through, even when you think there is no way you can do it, He can and will make a way. Remember “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)” As long as God is on your side, He will get you through anything. 

So keep focusing on your run to Him, because your future with Him, is brighter than anything you can see behind you…