So I wrote this note on my phone during one of my melt downs last week during class. I am not going to change the wording of it because I don't want to mess with the raw emotions that were being experienced when written. Some of it was a little too personal so I left it out, but I left what I wanted shared:
I'm sitting in class and I don't even know why. I'm physically here, but mentally, I am far far away. I feel like I'm relapsing... and I'm not doing a good job at fighting it. I just don't know what to think anymore. I really just want to go to bed and never get out of it.
And on top of all this, or maybe the reason for all this, I'm not sure... is I miss him. And I hate it! Why can't I just hate him. Why can't I just move on like everyone says I should. Why can't I just move on like he apparently has (and with no problem at that). It's not fair...
I keep asking "but God?" or "God why?" but does it really matter? Like the song "The Hurt and the Healer" by MercyMe says, "Healing doesn't come from being explained".
We can cry and beg God for an explanation all day, but would we understand it? Even if God answered every little question we had, we would still want to know more. We would ask and ask all day long for more because there is no way for our small finite minds to comprehend God and His mysterious ways. We may think we have Him figured out, but we really have no clue.
I ask God everyday why things didn't work out between us. Why did I screw up? Why did you let me fall in love with someone if I was only going to end up broken, hurt and confused in the end? Why did I feel like you wanted me with him forever? Why did you allow me to get hurt like this? Why did you allow that last response when it came in when it did? Why did you let me feel that feeling of reassurance when it obviously was not true?
I do not know all these answers, and I may never know the whole story. But one thing I do know is God has all the answers. All I can do is cry to God for comfort, not answers. I have to trust that He knows what He is doing. I have to live for Him, and never let the pain from my loss overbear the love He has given me through all this, because often time I do.
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