Dancing with my Father

There is just something about dancing. I don't know what it is, but there is just something about it that gets me.  It's like I cannot wait to have my first dance with my future husband.  I have always seen dancing as a very personal and intimate action (and I'm not talking about the Hokey Pokey).

There is just something about two people, moving in the same motion, holding each other close as they move to the music.

But it also goes a step further.  My school last night had a night of worship for the students. And as I was singing to my Father God, I just felt that intimacy with Him. I could feel Him holding me close as I sang to Him and just worshiped.  Though my body was standing there in that row of seats, my soul was actually up in the air, dancing with my Father God. I could feel Him around me telling me everything is going to be okay.  He has my back, He knows what He is doing and has great plans for me. I cannot put into words how much I needed that dance last night.

What's on my mind?

So in case you haven't noticed, whenever you post a facebook status, it asks "what's on your mind". So today I was going to answer it for real this time, but once I got to typing it, I realized that what I had on my mind was much too long for a simple status up date, so I decided to blog about it instead.

So I'm not gonna lie, I went to bed with a bit of jealousy on my mind.  A few friends of mine on my facebook/other social networking sites, made statuses/posts about how God had finally answered their prayers.

As I was reading them, all I could think was, "okay God, when is it my turn?" So as I went to sleep that night, I even prayed about it.  I was like okay God, it seems like you have been in a prayer answering mode lately, I sure would like it if mine were next.

Well during my sleep I had a very weird dream. Like it was petrifying. It creeped me out BIG time and I woke up praying asking God to keep His angels around me. I was afraid to even go back to sleep, but I did.

Anyway what I'm trying to get to is in the end, when I woke up, I realized just how selfish I had been. Here I was upset that God hasn't "answered" this prayer I have had for months, when I should have been thankful for the prayers He HAD answered over the months. Focusing on the blessings both asked for, and the unexpected ones.  I was so embarrassed by the mindset I had before bed last night, it sickened me.

So I woke up thanking God for waking me another day, along with the countless other blessings He has blessed me with.

I also realized that in order for my prayers to be answered, I should change my prayers around.  I should ask that His will be done, and to help comfort me if His will is not the same as my desire.

I guess this is some of what's been on my mind...

Just on a personal note...

So I wrote this note on my phone during one of my melt downs last week during class. I am not going to change the wording of it because I don't want to mess with the raw emotions that were being experienced when written. Some of it was a little too personal so I left it out, but I left what I wanted shared:

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I'm sitting in class and I don't even know why.  I'm physically here, but mentally, I am far far away.  I feel like I'm relapsing... and I'm not doing a good job at fighting it. I just don't know what to think anymore.  I really just want to go to bed and never get out of it.

And on top of all this, or maybe the reason for all this, I'm not sure... is I miss him. And I hate it! Why can't I just hate him.  Why can't I just move on like everyone says I should.  Why can't I just move on like he apparently has (and with no problem at that). It's not fair...

I keep asking "but God?" or "God why?" but does it really matter?  Like the song "The Hurt and the Healer" by MercyMe says, "Healing doesn't come from being explained".

We can cry and beg God for an explanation all day, but would we understand it? Even if God answered every little question we had, we would still want to know more.  We would ask and ask all day long for more because there is no way for our small finite minds to comprehend God and His mysterious ways.  We may think we have Him figured out, but we really have no clue.

I ask God everyday why things didn't work out between us.  Why did I screw up? Why did you let me fall in love with someone if I was only going to end up broken, hurt and confused in the end? Why did I feel like you wanted me with him forever? Why did you allow me to get hurt like this? Why did you allow that last response when it came in when it did? Why did you let me feel that feeling of reassurance when it obviously was not true?

I do not know all these answers, and I may never know the whole story.  But one thing I do know is God has all the answers.  All I can do is cry to God for comfort, not answers.  I have to trust that He knows what He is doing.  I have to live for Him, and never let the pain from my loss overbear the love He has given me through all this, because often time I do.

Col 2:11-12

I have not been posting very much because I was without a laptop for a while. So all computer usage was done in the library and blogging was not a part of my top priorities....

But anyway... So I am doing a Bible study with a group of girls online in Colossians.  We take about two verses a day and really break them down and meditate on them. I have found this method so much more rewarding than reading two or three chapters a day.  Sure I don't get as much read, but I get more out of what I do read, which really is the whole point of reading scripture.

I may go back in my journal and write some of them down but I wanted to share with you what I got from today's verses. They were Colossians 2:11-12 which reads 

"So I am doing a Bible study with a group of girls online in Colossians.  We take about two verses a day and really break them down and meditate on them. I have found this method so much more rewarding than reading two or three chapters a day.  Sure I don't get as much read, but I get more out of what I do read, which really is the whole point of reading scripture." NLT

So basically, here is what I got from this passage:

 “When you came to Christ, you were “circumcised,” but not by a physical procedure. Christ performed a spiritual circumcision—the cutting away of your sinful nature. For you were buried with Christ when you were baptized. And with him you were raised to new life because you trusted the mighty power of God, who raised Christ from the dead.” Col 2:11-12 NLT

So when I read this I had to just stop and thank God for what He has done. 

The reality of what the words were saying just really sank in. God CUT AWAY our sinful nature. We are no longer attached to our sinful pasts. He cut it away from us, giving us FREEDOM and victory over those sins! He already did the work for us, all we have to do is not pick it back up!

And when we were baptized, we were raised to a NEW life. Not a fixed version of your previously damaged life, not a revised version, not an edited version, but a NEW one! The old sinful self is dead, and we are raised NEW in Christ!

Today’s verse just really was what I needed today! Hope others got the same excitement as I did.

God bless,

Tiffany <3